The Kiss of the Spider Boy
by Reina0
Summary: Nagi pesters Omi, and both end up grounded by their respective teams. One sided N O; CxA, YxS, FxK.


**Warnings:** Shounen-ai, major OOC, attempted humorous premise, and Shakespeare.

**Pairings:** Omi/Nagi, Crawford/Aya, Farfarello/Ken, Youji/Schuldig

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Weiss Kreuz. This work of fanfiction is for fans' amusement only, and no money is being made from it.

**The Kiss of the Spider Boy**

by Reina0

XxXxX

Most seventeen-year-old boys did seventeen-year-old boy things. They went to school, teased the girls, hung out on street corners and tried to look 'cool,' watered their mother's flowers, walked their younger siblings over to friends' homes, tried to sneak into X-rated movies, tinkered with electronics, worked at local fast-food restaurants….

Tsukiyono Omi, a seventeen-year-old boy, did none of these things.

Except for going to school and watering flowers. But they weren't his mother's flowers. And occasionally he tinkered with electronics, but the electronics were typically of the top-secret, classified-information, prototype-annihilation-device sort. And once he saw part of an X-rated movie, but that was only because Kudou Youji was watching it in the living room late one night when Omi went downstairs to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

Tsukiyono Omi spent his mornings cramming his brain full of knowledge, his late afternoons selling flowers, and his nights denying dark beasts their tomorrows (and getting well-paid for it, too). Tsukiyono Omi was not a normal boy. (What a salary he had!)

As such, he did not pay much attention to abnormal things in his everyday life. Like Hidaka Ken's weird habit of kicking a soccer ball around as he walked about their home. Like Fujimiya Aya's odd breakfast ritual of eating all the marshmallow bits in his over-sugared cereal first before starting on the unbearably bland (and unimaginably healthier) grain O's. Like Youji's (supposedly) secret stash of Yu-Gi-Oh! cards. Like Momoe-san's fluffy grey cat Jun'ichi's nasty propensity to cough up hairballs in the pots of fresh begonias.

Life was weird, and Omi didn't seem to care. Or even notice.

Not until one fateful day, that is….

XxXxX

The bell on the door to the flowershop jingled.

"Welcome," Omi called out wearily. Closing time, thank goodness, was only fifteen minutes away, and the shop was mostly empty—a rarity. Youji, theoretically on shift with Omi, was puttering around in the storage room, humming tunelessly. Jun'ichi was coughing hoarsely near the begonia display. Omi pushed the cat behind the pots (and out of sight of the customers) with one foot. He made a mental note to tell Ken to clean up the cat-barf later.

"How can I help you?" Omi asked, turning around to face the customer.

The first things Omi noticed were two big, smoky blue eyes staring at him. Actually, the customer was standing so close, the eyes filled his vision completely. Upon taking a nervous step backwards, the second thing Omi noticed was that the Koneko no Sumu Ie was suddenly quite empty except for the two of them.

And the third thing Omi noticed—the day certainly was turning out to be quite observation-worthy!—was that the eyes belonged to Naoe Nagi.

"Schwarz!" Omi hissed, moving behind the counter and grabbing Jun'ichi protectively. "Leave immediately!"

Nagi blinked his big eyes and tilted his head minutely. "I just want to buy some flowers…and pet the kitty…" He stepped forward and leaned over the counter slowly. "What's on sale, Bombay?"

Omi clutched Jun'ichi closer. "Don't touch Jun-chan. Nasturtiums are half-off." He eyed Nagi suspiciously.

"Nasturtiums. Sounds nasty," Nagi laughed. "Mmm, no, I don't think I want them. What about that strange red flower? What's that?"

"Begonia."

"Is it expensive?"

"Depends on how much you buy."

"Will you pick some for me?"

Omi shifted Jun'ichi so that the cat flopped over his shoulder and picked up one small pot of the flowers. "This good? Oh, crap." Jun'ichi, having sensed Omi's close proximity to the begonia, had hacked up a hairball on the back of Omi's t-shirt.

"Oh, dear," Nagi said in a low, husky voice. "That's going to be smelly. Perhaps you'd better…take off your shirt."

Omi's eyes widened in alarm as Nagi levitated the cat back to the counter. "Uh, actually, I can just go get another t-shirt—"

"Or," Nagi whispered, moving in close, "you could take this one off."

Omi tried to push Nagi's hands away. "Are you high? What the hell are you on?" he exclaimed.

Nagi gave him a flat look. "Nothing. Drugs are bad. Weren't you listening to the school announcements? This is Drug Awareness Week—Just Say 'No!'" He telekinetically rendered Omi immobile and yanked off the t-shirt. "_Much_ better. If I do say so myself."

As soon as Omi felt the telekinesis release him, he darted behind the counter and crouched beneath it. "S-stay away! Or I'll call Youji!"  
"Aren't you going to ring up my flowers? And let me pet the kitty?" Nagi peeked over the countertop.

Omi glared up at him. "Take the damn flowers for free. And Jun'ichi is right in front of you."

Nagi glanced at the fluffy cat, who seemed to be contemplating coughing up another hairball (this time on Nagi). "Ah…I'd rather pet a different kitty."

"Really," Omi growled. "Well, you're out of luck. The rest of the cats are upstairs today."

"You're not."

Omi paused. "…What?"

"_You're_ not upstairs. And you're a kitty. Bombay, right?"

"…You are _not_ going to pet me."

"But I want to!" Nagi whined.

"Prodigy, you are fifteen. I am seventeen. We're both _underage_. Oh, and enemies, too. No petting."

"But—"

"No."

"But—"

"No!"

"But in Shakespeare's time it was perfectly common for young boys to kiss!"

Omi resisted the urge to bang his head against the edge of the counter. "Excuse me?"

"In the grammar schools in the late 1500s in England, all the boys learned Latin and they would put on Roman plays in class! Whenever there was kissing, two boys would kiss!" Nagi circled the counter and crouched down in front of Omi eagerly.

Omi rolled his eyes. "Kissing during schoolroom plays doesn't count as 'perfectly common.' And does this look like 16th century England to you? Do you think we're in some sort of Roman play? Is this Latin coming out of my mouth? O di immortales…" Omi groaned, unconsciously quoting Cicero's famous "O immortal gods!" because he was excellently well-read, and unwittingly uttering Latin.

Nagi pouted. "But I was just reading a really good book about Shakespeare, and it said that—"

"Uh, no. I'm not going to help you further your knowledge of all things even vaguely Shakespearean. Sorry." Omi inched away until his back hit the inside of the counter—which wasn't very far away—but Omi felt he might as well try to escape.

The Schwarz boy continued to pout. "The book even said that there was a priest who wrote in the 1570s that—"

"Prodigy. The opinion of the Anglican Church isn't going to make me change my mind."

"—wrote that the Roman plays should be banned, because boys kissing was immoral!" Nagi scooted closer to Omi. "Isn't that exciting? He said that young schoolboys learning Latin should beware the corrupting 'kiss of the spider boy'!"

Omi flattened himself against the counter. "Fascinating. Could you, ah, back away? Like, ten feet or so? In the direction of the door?"

Nagi scowled. "Bombay, you can't possibly be this dense. I'm trying to be a spider boy here. Quit complaining and let me corrupt you!" He grabbed at Omi's arms, but the older boy twisted aside, causing Nagi to smack his forehead against the counter.

"For your information," Omi said, trying not to sound too frantic, "I am _not_ 'this dense.' But I don't want you to kiss me. Underage archenemy and all that, remember?"

Nagi rubbed his forehead sulkily, sitting back. "Well, Crawford and Abyssinian don't seem to care, and _they're_ also enemies."

"Crawford?"

"Oracle."

"Oh. Well, they're adults and—wait." Omi looked at Nagi carefully. "Were you implying what I thought you were implying?"

Nagi looked confused. "Maybe? What are you implying that you thought I was implying?"

"That Oracle and Aya-kun—I mean, Abyssinian—are a couple."

"Uh, yeah."

Omi floundered for a moment. "Well, ah, um, they're adults. We're not."

"Neither are Farf—I mean, Berserker and Siberian."

Brain on the verge of overload, Omi grabbed Nagi's arm and hauled him up. "Thank you I don't want to hear anymore good bye." He shunted Nagi out the door and pulled down the metal screen so quickly sparks flew, ignoring the frantic cries coming from outside: "Wait! Bombay! What about the kiss of the spider boy? Let me back in! Bombay!"

Omi went to his room and turned on the radio, loud. He was determined to listen to J-pop until his ears bled.

XxXxX

Later that night, Omi awoke from a fitful sleep to discover he had fallen asleep fully clothed again. "Drat," he muttered, pulling off his shoes. And then he paused. A faint tapping noise issued from the lower panes in his window. Omi squinted in the darkness and made his way to the window. "What the—"

The window flew open and Nagi launched himself inside, grinning maniacally. "Bombay!"

They landed on the floor in an ungraceful heap, all awkward teenage limbs and elbows and knees. Nagi sat up quickly and pinned Omi to the floor. "Hello!" he said cheerfully.

"Prodigy!? What are you doing in my room?" Omi growled angrily. "Get out! I'll fight you if I must!"

Nagi's grin just got bigger. "No! I like it here!" he squealed (well, it something like a squeal) and hugged Omi, rubbing his cheek against Omi's. "I want to stay—!" He pulled back suddenly. "Why are there tissues stuffed in your ears? Ew, they're covered in blood!"

Omi touched his ears self-consciously. "Uh, too much J-pop. You know."

Nagi nodded sympathetically. "Don't worry, Omi, I understand. But you don't have to torture yourself anymore. I am here!"  
Omi winced. "Yeah, I noticed. Why are you back? Why are you so…happy? It's a bit scary."

Nagi shrugged. "Well, my seductive 'kiss of the spider boy' approach didn't work, so I talked to Schuldig—Mastermind, you know—when I got home. He said, 'Well, chibi,' and then I telekinetically threw dictionaries at him for calling me that, and then he said, 'Well, Nagi, your kitten is a difficult case. I suggest you attempt a new approach.' And I asked him what sort of approach he meant, and he said that perhaps you liked really happy, chirpy people like yourself?" Nagi ended his speech with a hopeful, uplifted inflection.

Omi gaped. "You think I'm happy and chirpy?"

"Except when you're screaming at Balinese, moaning about your family, or trying to kill me. Yes." Nagi folded his hands and grinned dutifully.

Omi sat up and frowned a little. "Quit grinning. It's creepy."

Nagi's face fell. "Well, what do you like?"

"I'd like you to leave so that I can sleep. If you're so desperate for a 'spider boy kiss,' you should just ask Mastermind," Omi grumbled, getting to his feet.

Nagi threw up his hands despairingly. "Balinese would kill me. They've been steady for over a year now."

Omi nearly fainted. "Youji? Settling down? With a man? With an enemy?" He wasn't sure which of the three new pieces of information shocked him the most. Probably the 'settling down' part.

"Well, sure. He's gayer than…than a very gay thing. It's, uh, the sunglasses. I could tell right away." Nagi nodded wisely and pretended he knew what he was talking about.

"No wonder Youji's dates always sounded the same at night," Omi mused. He caught the look Nagi sent him and hurried to explain, "He's got the room next to mine. And the walls are really thin. It's an old building. Er…kind of."

Nagi shrugged after a moment and got back to business. "Well, whatever. Are you going to kiss me or what?"

Omi commenced struggling against the spider boy once more. "What, definitely what!" he assured the frustrated Nagi, who held on gamely as Omi tried to pry him off.

"That was a rhetorical question!" Nagi complained, using his power to render Omi immobile. He leaned over the furious Weiss boy. "If you aren't going to kiss me, then I'll just have to kiss you—"

At that oh-so-inopportune moment, the door to Omi's room swung open. "Omi? Are you talking to your laptop again? Kid, we really need to take you to a therapist soon—OH MY GOD." Kudou Youji stared at the two boys on the floor with an expression that Omi regretted not having a camera with which to capture. His jaw was hanging down so far that Omi and Nagi could see the metallic glint of two fillings on his back molars. There was an interesting moment, right then, when nobody was breathing. Omi could hear the building settle a little, his laptop humming to itself, and Jun'ichi's stomach gurgling. The moment was very…Zen, Omi decided. Almost meditative, except that Nagi was still sitting on his chest.

Then someone else breathed rather loudly from behind Youji and shattered the eternal, silent moment. "Yotan. Is Weiss' chibi still alive? Yeah? Well, let's get back to—OH MY GOD." Schuldig peeked over Youji's shoulder with another horrified look on his face. Unlike Youji, however, Schuldig skipped the poignant moment of breathlessness and went straight for the admonishment. Youji followed, shaken out of his daze enough to hurl scoldings.

"Nagi! Get up! What do you think you're doing, young man? What have I told you about fraternizing with the enemy? Screw that, what have I told you about fraternization in general? You're fifteen, for crying out loud!"

"Omi, don't tell me you were encouraging him! Get off the floor immediately, I say, _immediately_! Go to your room! Wait—no, that won't work—this _is_ your room—"

Omi and Nagi wilted and withered under their teammates' furious tirade. Meanwhile, the commotion drew the attention of the building's other occupants. Aya and Crawford stumbled in, bleary-eyed and angry at their rest's interruption. "Kudou, I swear, I will cut out your tongue if—OH MY GOD. Prodigy! What are you doing in Tsukiyono's room? Brad, you'd better not have anything to do with this!"

"OH MY GOD. Naoe Nagi! I demand an explanation! Why did you leave your room when I _expressly_ forbade you from exiting earlier today? Have you been reading that damned Shakespeare book again? I ought to burn it! Stand up straight, sir, and answer me right away!"

"Guys?" Ken's sleepy voice came from the doorway. "Guys, what's going on? Farf and I were just trying to enjoy a soccer game—"

"And some other stuff," Farfarello grumbled as he eyed Ken's posterior.

"—and we heard all this yelling and OH MY GOD. Omi, what—no—I don't want to know—I really don't—geez, Omi, you're seventeen—"

And then, just for good measure, the cats came in too, caterwauling at the tops of their little lungs, and Jun'ichi began to hack up a hairball on Omi's desk chair. Omi shoved Nagi away—the boy was completely limp and looked as miserable as Omi felt—and sat up, rubbing his temples. "Prodigy, could you, like, rip out their vocal chords?"

"Um, how about I just hold their mouths shut," Nagi said nervously. "I don't know where exactly the vocal chords are. What if I rip out, uh, the tonsils or something accidentally?"

"Aya-kun and Ken-kun already had their tonsils taken out," Omi argued, but when the adults in the room found their mouths clicking shut under telekinetic pressure, the silence was good enough for Omi. "That's nice," Omi sighed. "Okay, folks, please listen carefully. There's been a misunderstanding here. Prodigy and I are not involved with each other. In fact, he was just leaving." Omi gripped Nagi by the arm and dragged him over to the door, calling back, "Since I'm very tired and my ears hurt from J-pop overload _and_ all your screeching, I'm willing to overlook the fact that all of Schwarz is inside Weiss' headquarters so long as you all _leave me alone_." He tossed Nagi into the hallway and then herded the adults and the cats out as well. The moment he slammed the door shut, Omi felt 300% better.

XxXxX

That's right, folks, 300% better. That amounts to a big sigh of relief, a gradually lessening throbbing of the sinuses, and a general feeling of bliss.

Omi, accordingly, heaved a happy sigh, massaged his forehead a bit, and flopped down on his bed with a bit of a smile. There was something _incredibly_ therapeutic about throwing one's teammates and enemies out of one's room and then slamming the door. He sighed again and kicked off his shoes, eager to get some sleep.

But his night was not to be restful. No, no, no. After all, one does not simply kick out a telekinetic and slam a door in said telekinetic's face without facing consequences. If one had to kick out the telekinetic, then it is very likely that the telekinetic did not want to leave and is unlikely to do so of his own will. And telekinetics, having telekinetic abilities, can easily overcome silly things like shut doors.

Which means…

…that within forty seconds, Nagi was back inside Omi's bedroom, pinning Omi to the bed. "The spider boy returns!" he proclaimed with a grand gesture of the hands.

Omi groaned. "God, no. What will it take to make you go the fuck away?"

Nagi gave a long-suffering sigh. "_Kissing_, duh. You think I'm going to demand you give up your secret stash of boy band music?"

"Don't you _dare_ touch my CDs!" Omi growled.

"I don't want your stupid music. Kiss me, damn it."

"!!!%***&#$#^&!*!*! Fine!" Omi kissed Nagi. It lasted about two seconds.

"Thanks, man," Nagi said with a grin, and he left.

XxXxX

When the other members of Schwarz and Weiss found out about the kiss, both Omi and Nagi were grounded until their Coming of Age Days, in three and five years respectively; and furthermore, on said Coming of Age Days, neither were to stay out past ten o'clock or imbibe more than 100 milliliters of sake. Until this time, the two boys were only to attend school and work their night jobs as mysterious covert operations agents. Of course, Omi also had to continue to water flowers in the Koneko—and clean up _all_ the messes created by the cats.

"Stupid Nagi," Omi grumbled as he cleaned up more soggy hairballs from the shop floor.

"I HEARD THAT, YOU JERK!"

Omi looked up and saw Nagi across the street, on his way home from school. Nagi gave him the finger and went on his merry way.

"At least we're back to rivalry," Omi conceded, his mood somewhat lighter. "Damn, my life is so weird."

"You're just now figuring that out?" Ken snorted. "By the way, Jun'ichi got into the begonias again."

"Thanks for letting me know, Ken-ken," Omi sneered.

"No problem," Ken replied obliviously, and walked slowly out of the shop, savoring the pleasant spring air.

Omi resolved to put some of the hairballs in his teammates' beds.

_The end._


End file.
